Category Archives: your move sucker
I didn’t notice him at all until the wheels started spinning. Leaning forward from his seat in the corner he asked,
“Do you know the day?”
“Just a minute” I replied, fumbling through my phone.
“No” he mutters, “What day of the week is it?”
“Tuesday” I quietly replied.
I thought I had it bad.
the idea of escape is amazing.
encapsulated by the absence of light
a man tormented by the guilt of his past
feels he is owed beyond his own sentencing.
is he entitled to a second chance,
or just has nothing left to lose?
“the love i feel is not confused
i shouldn’t feel so good
its weird feeling guilty about your life
when it’s going so good
enjoy it while it lasts
there are still things i’d change in life
like where i went each day
& that i want to truly let the ideas i have inside me
to grow toward beauty.
in this cell.”
yesterday he lay dead on a hospital bed
cycling, swimming, running, relapse
these were the order of events
he wrote about them all
these are the stories to be told.
am i invisible?
most times i truly believe i am.
what with people not listening or thinking,
it’s hard to get through most days,
let alone carry strangers with you through it.
it’s exhausting translating for people who do not speak
& tiring speaking around those who’s logic has failed them.
sometimes the only truth is silence.
you are the ones who should be worried
we are the last line of defence
the last who could afford not to worry
who could afford not to care.
i didn’t care
to read any more
as surely every decade judges
just the same
as the one gone by before.
it’s just as hard to
pretend to ignore,
but it pushes us
a little more.
the human mind can do anything
i truly believe that
we are inventors
we have to be
otherwise we’d still be playing with fire
& dreaming of wheels.
turning on the television i asked
“will i meet my dreams again
or bump into the ideas that build hope
a voice soon told me something like,
“you’ll meet them all again on a journey to the middle.”
but before i could write it down
to get the perfect wording
it escaped me.
i asked it the same question again later but,
all i heard was music.
It always started on a sunday afternoon around 6 o’clock, when I’d finish skateboarding for the day & decide it was time to head home. The sun would come down fast & although that usually didn’t stop me, it was easier to appear for dinner than to argue why I hadn’t. If I was lucky, my walkman batteries would last the entire way home. There was Jane’s Addiction on one side & New Order on the other.
In the final stages of rolling home, a huge knot would start to form deep in my stomach. That the weekend was dying, killed me. To restart that mindless cycle made me care even less about the useless contents that filled it. I’d stop worrying that I smelt like smoke & sit down at the table. I could always tell how drunk my father was by how inedible the meal was, for some reason the more upset he was, the more salt we had to consume. There was still a childhood, buried beneath the backwards rituals.
You just had to be prepared to fight for it.
The time from 8:30 until around 10:15 used to pass so quickly, but this was an education. I was obsessed with the idea of the sunday night movie for many reasons. When I look back, they were often the films that formed the conversations on which many early friendships were born. To be able to talk violence & drama was to walk forward in the schoolyard.
To make people laugh.
If I was lucky,
I would arrange my evening so I could stay awake all night.
To stay awake & keep up with the world seemed to be the perfect way to flip the finger to the pain building in my stomach & the anger I felt towards a life lived beyond my control. It’s a mere coincidence that I developed a taste for stranger movies as I wanted to stay up later & later.
A secret handshake.
A greater social ammunition.
“We’re through being cool.”