Category Archives: new order

loomer:

whenever i walk up a flight of stairs
if i do not concentrate completely,
at one point i fear falling & almost fall.

my brain miscalculates the distance & i
can’t seem to place my feet in the right position
i grab the hand rail & steady myself,
it haunts me & i can never seem to shake it.

it’s due to a recurring dream
i have about escalators.

my paranoia tricks my sleeping mind into believing
that hundreds of miles high above the world
on an escalator with no handrails,
that i’m trapped.

in the sky the steepest test
climbs up beyond the clouds
an ascent without end
on a moving staircase,
that i must remain upon to escape.

my fear is that by doing anything
other than standing still,
i’ll fall to my doom.

the height of the see-through platforms
on which my toes tremble,
just makes me freeze.

i’d drop to my knees
lowering my sense of gravity
clinging closer to the separated steps.

i used to have the dream when,
for some reason i’d been dizzy
during that day

i’d wake up sweating at night 
trying to gasp fresh air from the gap
between the top of the window and the windowframe,
in an effort not to be sick.

i wonder
as this trait is now a part of me,
where one could go to read it on my body.

imagine if fingerprints could give such
detailed information about
us as individuals
to those in the future or now,
about our fears.

i still have the dream
but more often than not
i wonder what sounds our fingerprints
& dna would make,
if we could record them.

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Filed under † † †, bad poetry, beginning, burning star, childhood memories, clouds, darkness, dream baby dream, late late night, mind fuck, new order, skies above

:bad ethos

you are the ones who should be worried
we are the last line of defence
the last who could afford not to worry
who could afford not to care.

i didn’t care
to read any more
as surely every decade judges
just the same
as the one gone by before.

i’m sure
it’s just as hard to
pretend to ignore,
but it pushes us
to care
a little more.

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Filed under cave, cemetery, dexterity, late late night, light, new order, night, opinion, optimism, white wall, wire, words, writing, your move sucker

b movie:

It always started on a sunday afternoon around 6 o’clock, when I’d finish skateboarding for the day & decide it was time to head home. The sun would come down fast & although that usually didn’t stop me, it was easier to appear for dinner than to argue why I hadn’t. If I was lucky, my walkman batteries would last the entire way home. There was Jane’s Addiction on one side & New Order on the other.


In the final stages of rolling home, a huge knot would start to form deep in my stomach. That the weekend was dying, killed me. To restart that mindless cycle made me care even less about the useless contents that filled it. I’d stop worrying that I smelt like smoke & sit down at the table. I could always tell how drunk my father was by how inedible the meal was, for some reason the more upset he was, the more salt we had to consume. There was still a childhood, buried beneath the backwards rituals.
You just had to be prepared to fight for it.


The time from 8:30 until around 10:15 used to pass so quickly, but this was an education. I was obsessed with the idea of the sunday night movie for many reasons. When I look back, they were often the films that formed the conversations on which many early friendships were born. To be able to talk violence & drama was to walk forward in the schoolyard.
To make people laugh.


If I was lucky,
I would arrange my evening so I could stay awake all night.
To stay awake & keep up with the world seemed to be the perfect way to flip the finger to the pain building in my stomach & the anger I felt towards a life lived beyond my control. It’s a mere coincidence that I developed a taste for stranger movies as I wanted to stay up later & later.


A by-product.
A secret handshake.
A greater social ammunition.

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Filed under films, fire, friends, jane's addiction, laugh, movies, new order, night, opinion, optimism, real, rituals, skateboarding, words, writing, your move sucker